Mo' internet rhetoric

There is a rhetorical turn, common on the internet, where people take up an argument against a certain philosophy, organisation or movement and to aid their argument they characterise said philosophy, organisation or movement as just a bunch of Students Waving Placards. One might say middle-class Students Waving Placards but, in rhetoric at least, students are always middle class. It would be an awful tautology.

One then is able to follow up one’s characterisation of one’s opponents with promises to get down to some serious work, preferably in local communities, wherever they may be. You can add flourishes about bread-and-butter issues and getting down to the grassroots. Don’t overdo it. Grassroots don’t go well with bread-and-butter.

If a philosophy, organisation or movement did consist solely of Students Waving Placards I guess that would be a problem... but let’s not knock students unnecessarily. They are lively, intelligent and they have opposable thumbs, which makes them great at waving placards. Give credit where credit’s due.

It’s ironic that socialists should argue in this way. Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels are considered, even by their opponents, to be the founders of modern socialism. Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels were… to begin with… wait for it… students!

They were middle-class students. The HORROR!

Your new favourite meme

Philosoraptor!

Hearken, self-styled revolutionaries

Thanks to the bold effort of Leftie Hippie, working up the concise materialist observations of Tory MP and Living Genius, Louise "if you drink coffee you can't protest" Mensch, we now have The Louise Mensch Beverage Scale of Permitted Capitalist Criticism. Observe:

Level 4
Permitted criticism of capitalism = Total. Academies, Goldman-Sachs, concentration of capital, etc.

To achieve level 4, you must drink untreated mineral water collected yourself from a babbling mountain brook near your hermitage. Of course, you must not boil the water before drinking it, unless you mine the metal to create a kettle yourself. Purchasing so much as a camping kettle with one of those little whistle cap thingies on it basically takes you right back to the level of the Koch brothers.

Famous Level 4s: none.

Level 3
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = TNCs, sweatshop labour and the military-industrial complex.

To achieve level 3, you are allowed to drink water from the tap, despite its being produced by privatised water companies. You *must not* add Robinsons' Barley Water to it to make a weak lemon drink, however.

Famous Level 3s: basically, this is John Harvey Kellogg.

Level 2
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = privatised train networks, quality of the gifts in Kinder Surprise.

To achieve level 2, you may drink tap water and fairtrade tea and coffee. On no account must you purchase this coffee from some kind of franchise or drink Ribena. THIS WILL RENDER YOUR UNHAPPINESS WITH TRAIN JOURNEYS NULL AND VOID.

Famous Level 2s: Lucy Mangan, probably.

Level 1
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = the speed of service in Nando's. AND NOTHING ELSE.

Level 1s will drink Fentiman's lemonade at National Trust gift shops, then think NOTHING of washing it down with R Whites. Why don't these people just FUCK OFF AND DIE? They probably drink Ty-Phoo, the despicable BASTARDS.

Famous Level 1s: YOU. If you're LUCKY.

Level 0
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = What on earth makes you think you can criticise capitalism, you insignificant, smelly turd? IT PROVIDES YOUR BEVERAGES.

Level 0s would drink Coca-Cola at a Showcase Cinema, EVEN IF SOMEONE WAS WATCHING.

Famous Level 0s: given the size of the sample, it was hard to narrow it down.