It [Brooker's ire] stems from the notion of "brand ambassadors", that tit-awful phrase for stars who become synonymous with a commercial product in exchange for a mere fortune. The idea is that when you glance at, say, an Activia yoghurt in the supermarket, thanks to its high-profile star-fronted advertising campaign, you'll think of Martine McCutcheon and make positive connections to the fun times you saw her getting drooled over by Hugh Grant in Love Actually or run over by Frank Butcher in Albert Square. And your basic ape brain, which perpetually craves love and acceptance, will make you chuck said yoghurt into your basket in a desperate attempt to make some of that McCutcheon magic rub off on your own sorry bones.
Because you want to be Martine McCutcheon. You want to be her so badly you're prepared to eat her. In the form of yoghurt. Yoghurt that also improves your ability to defecate. That's what Activia's really about, of course – regulating your guts so you defecate better. In a franker, more honest universe, Martine would defecate in the commercial. But she doesn't even blow off. She just smiles a lot. Although come to think of it, she does smile a bit like someone who's just evacuated their bowels after several days of trying. So maybe she's still on-message.
The article also reminds me of one of my favourite 80s soundbites: fuck me, my bowl's full of skinheads! Read. You'll see. Oh we did laugh, bitter, gallows humour.