Land of Chocolate

David Cameron hires a man to deal with press and public relations. He hires a man who used to work for News International as a journalist, a smart move. Communications Chief is a high profile role, just ask Alisdair Campbell: despite being given warnings about about employing this former journalist, David Cameron goes ahead. So long as he never asked said former journalist "so, is there anything I should know, anything from your past that might prove embarrassing or, who knows, maybe incriminating...?" David Cameron is not party to any crime.

David Cameron has a neighbour. This neighbour IS a journalist with News International. This neighbour is also a friend. The friend of David Cameron gets a new horse. The friend is understandably very proud and invites people round to see it. When David Cameron went round to have a ride on it he was not aware that it was a police horse lent to said journalist. Meanwhile, in a totally unconnected set of events, said journalist is suspected of bribing civil servants and police officers in return for information. So long as David Cameron never said "so, I see you have a new horse, that's interesting, where did you get it from...?" he cannot be party to any corruption.

David Cameron likes to eat, who doesn't? But he is a busy man. He has to have someone to arrange dining partners for him. Who wants to dine alone? But the people who arrange dining partners for David have a preference for Tory party donors suggest that the more you donate the better your access to David Cameron is and that £250,000 is the kind of money you need to sway government policy. So long as David Cameron never says, "hey, you've done so much for me, and you've been such good company while I've swallowed these canapes and drunk this champagne, is there anything I can do for you...?" he's not a corrupt scumbag for hire.

In other news David Cameron lives in the Land of Chocolate.

You and Me vs the world

Or, let's be clear, the right-wing press. Socialism is trending on Twitter, apparently, thanks to a spasm of fear, the usual wave of panic anytime there's the possibility of a left-wing challenge to austerity; only this time it's not simple trade unionists (don't they seem tame now?) but The Reds, the real out and out Reds. Dun, dun, duh!

We might find it amusing to suddenly be the subject of the news but this is red-baiting going on, and red-baiting is bad news (remember: baiting does not succeed through logic or clarity but volume, and the Tory press has plenty of that). Though it's great to have the government on the back foot we should demure ever so slightly, not claim all the credit because: (1) many, many other people are campaigning against workfare slavery, not to mention many more are opposed it - it would be simply untrue to suggest socialists are behind it all (2) the government would like to suggest it's all part of the international communist conspiracy because it suits them to make people choose between the government and the SWP.

Bourgeois adjudicator finds bourgeois advocate not guilty of anything - shock

So why are we circling round this story like a dog round some tasty vomit? Here's a clue.

Jeremy Clarkson prompted more than 30,000 complaints when he said on BBC1's The One Show that striking public sector workers should be shot. But media regulator Ofcom has cleared the programme of breaching broadcasting regulations, saying viewers should be familiar with the Top Gear presenter's "provocative and outspoken nature".

Yes, folks, you could have expected Jeremy Clarkson to say something disgusting and right-wing about striking trade unionists, just as much as you'd expect the broadcasting establishment and press to back him to the hilt... but that's missing the point. Why should we expect it? Why should people have to put up with it? Jeremy Clarkson is a symptom, albeit a prominent symptom, of the coarsening of public life. Thanks to people like him public debate has become ever more scabrous and deceitful (e.g. Clarkson, in between calling for ironic death-squads, had the gall to describe public sector pensions as "gold-plated"... last year Clarkson earned more than £2 million).

What is going to be done about this decline in public debate? Clarkson certainly hasn't given pause for thought... why would he? We need to teach the upper class yahoos who rule us some manners... more strikes more frequently would help.

But there is another dimension to this. Jeremy Clarkson has provocative and outspoken views... really? So what? I have provocative and outspoken views. Many, many people have provocative and outspoken views. Why does a supporter of the hard-right English Democrats get a free pass when, for example, a Labour party councillor is suspended for liking rambunctious facebook statements regarding Margaret Thatcher and the IRA...? A rough example, but you get the picture.

In this world coarseness, prejudice and abuse is allowed, so long as its directed downwards.

Another fine mess

A plan by the education secretary, Michael Gove, to send a copy of the King James Bible to every school in the country – each including a personal inscription from him – has run into trouble after government sources reported he has been told to find private funding for the project.

Sources said David Cameron told Gove that while he supported the idea, the education secretary should avoid using taxpayers' money for it. But Gove has yet to find a private philanthropic sponsor for the enterprise, and some Whitehall sources said he has been told he cannot distribute the book until he does so, leaving thousands of copies in a warehouse abroad.

It's the idea of a personal inscription that really makes it funny... funny until you realise that this particular loony has taken over the asylum... This is what he occupies his time with, Michael Gove; yachts, bibles and Jamie Oliver novelty schools. This is, of course, lunacy with a purpose. The government are more than just upper-class twits. They are bent on destroying the Labour Party's base (that's you and me, folks, not the Labour Party itself) in the organised working class and the welfare state. By wrecking as much chaos, destruction and folly Michael Gove makes it that much harder for anyone to rebuild a progressive education system. The Tories, unopposed, will make lunacy the new logic.

But, let it not be said we are just bitter, carping critics. No. Let's run with this idea. Those books must be bought and brought to our chidren because... well... because! Let's get some sponsorship going. We (who's 'we'?) at TtSD have wracked our brains and can come up with no more appropriate sponsor than Quickquid.com, the online loanshark, bringing you religion and exploitative usery in a neat, post-modern package. Rejoice!

Socialism for the rich...

According to David Cameron, under New Labour we had a casino economy and a welfare society. That may have been the case (it wasn't) but under David Cameron we've got a welfare economy and a casino society... and you can have that witticism for free.

Cameron to Peasants: "don't worry, I've still got a job"

David Cameron will urge us all today to pull up our socks, pay up our debts and have a general can-do spirit about, I don't know, voting Tory or something. But, apparently:

...people want to know why the good times are so long coming.

"The answer is straightforward, but uncomfortable. This was no normal recession; we're in a debt crisis. It was caused by too much borrowing, by individuals, businesses, banks – and, most of all, governments."

It's almost like he's bothered having to explain. D'uh, it's obvious! Are they still asking about this?

But this is a gross elision of the truth. The crisis was not caused by government borrowing. The hike in government borrowing was preceded by the banking collapse in 2008. Only a fool or a liar would deny that. Which are you, David?

It is a fact the capitalist class went to the exchequer to be helped out of its crisis, a crisis it created, that is a fact. Let's not forget the Tories did not so much as put a peep of opposition at the time. Actually, the process amounted to was the public, us, you and me, taking on the sins of the elite, for we it is now being crucified... and there is no need, as UK Uncut continually demonstrate:

We are told that the only way to reduce the deficit is to cut public services. This is certainly not the case. There are alternatives, but the government chooses to ignore them, highlighting the fact that the cuts are based on ideology, not necessity.

One alternative is to clamp down on tax dodging by corporations and the rich, estimated to cost the state £95bn a year...

Another is to make the banks pay for free insurance provided to them by the taxpayer: a chief executive at the Bank of England put the cost of this subsidy at £100bn in a single year...

Either the tax avoided and evaded in a single year or the taxpayer subsidy to the banking industry could pay for all of the £81bn, four-year cuts programme.

No wonder you're grumpy. Even just judging by today's news you're stressed at work, the most fundamental cause being job insecurity; if you become ill long-term because of this you can now 'buy' treatment on the NHS with vouchers, and you thought you already bought it with taxes; you're cutting back on non-essential spending; why wouldn't you, what with seemingly permanent and overwhelming economic turmoil.

But, if you insist on feeling a little put out by the situation just remember 'our' best days are ahead of us... even if they're a long day ahead of us and, whatever you do don't strike. Workers cannot be allowed to shut down vital public services. Only the Tories are allowed to do that.

If I can shoot rabbits...

I think this every year, whenever the Tories meet - where's the IRA when you need them? Not because I think isolated terrorist acts are an effective vehicle for change (any Police or Secret Service reading this take note) but because at present there's no adequate way to express how much I hate them...

I mean, look at this, bootcamps for children Boris Johnson doesn't like (ugly, poor ones spoiling his Olympics). Why only bootcamps? These are supposedly 'feral', i.e. inhuman children we're talking about here. Go the whole hog, have sweatshops, slavelabour, get them stitching Nike trainers in 50 degree heat, that'll show 'em. Arbeit macht frei. Dachau on Thames. Proudly sponsored by Barclays Bank.

Remember how you used to pay a portion of income in the form of tax to go toward collective provision of things like health, education, pensions, rubbish collection, fire fighting? Forget that. George Osborne's going to give it to Barry the Bodger to prop up his ailing business. You're lending small businesses money so bankers don't have to.

And this is just day two.

The dog ate my growth figures

Recent quarterly economic reports have been described as disappointing. But Gideon Osborne's programme of mass unemployment has not been to blame, no, it's all down to 'special factors'. The most recent ones have been the Royal wedding and the Japanese earthquake, but we've also had things like heat, snow and the Olympics affecting figtures. Here at TtSD we like to be useful, proactive and soforth. Here's some other useful suggestions, see if they crop up in the next ONS report:

The unions
The onions
The bunions
The Martians
Gordon Brown
The wrong type of leafs
The wrong type of snow
The wrong type of tsunami
The Royal divorce
Gordon Brown
Them lot comin’ over here an’ takin’ our jobs ‘n’ our women
Forgetting to sack everybody
Forgetting to carry the one
Too many nurses tending to the sick
Too many sweepers keeping the streets clean
Too many teachers teaching children
Too many children, not enough child labour
Foreigners
Foreigner
Toto
Mike and the Mechanics
Too many soft rock references
Everything that needs to be made has already been made
Gordon Brown
The Olympics starting
The Olympics finishing
Usain Bolt getting stuck in traffic
The doomsday virus
The invasion of Libya
The invasion of China
Invasion by China
Invasion of the body snatchers
Scotland declares independence
News International declares independence
Ireland declares dependence
Gordon Brown