Hearken, self-styled revolutionaries

Thanks to the bold effort of Leftie Hippie, working up the concise materialist observations of Tory MP and Living Genius, Louise "if you drink coffee you can't protest" Mensch, we now have The Louise Mensch Beverage Scale of Permitted Capitalist Criticism. Observe:

Level 4
Permitted criticism of capitalism = Total. Academies, Goldman-Sachs, concentration of capital, etc.

To achieve level 4, you must drink untreated mineral water collected yourself from a babbling mountain brook near your hermitage. Of course, you must not boil the water before drinking it, unless you mine the metal to create a kettle yourself. Purchasing so much as a camping kettle with one of those little whistle cap thingies on it basically takes you right back to the level of the Koch brothers.

Famous Level 4s: none.

Level 3
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = TNCs, sweatshop labour and the military-industrial complex.

To achieve level 3, you are allowed to drink water from the tap, despite its being produced by privatised water companies. You *must not* add Robinsons' Barley Water to it to make a weak lemon drink, however.

Famous Level 3s: basically, this is John Harvey Kellogg.

Level 2
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = privatised train networks, quality of the gifts in Kinder Surprise.

To achieve level 2, you may drink tap water and fairtrade tea and coffee. On no account must you purchase this coffee from some kind of franchise or drink Ribena. THIS WILL RENDER YOUR UNHAPPINESS WITH TRAIN JOURNEYS NULL AND VOID.

Famous Level 2s: Lucy Mangan, probably.

Level 1
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = the speed of service in Nando's. AND NOTHING ELSE.

Level 1s will drink Fentiman's lemonade at National Trust gift shops, then think NOTHING of washing it down with R Whites. Why don't these people just FUCK OFF AND DIE? They probably drink Ty-Phoo, the despicable BASTARDS.

Famous Level 1s: YOU. If you're LUCKY.

Level 0
Permitted level of criticism of capitalism = What on earth makes you think you can criticise capitalism, you insignificant, smelly turd? IT PROVIDES YOUR BEVERAGES.

Level 0s would drink Coca-Cola at a Showcase Cinema, EVEN IF SOMEONE WAS WATCHING.

Famous Level 0s: given the size of the sample, it was hard to narrow it down.

News and Spews

Tory government to raise the motorway speed limit to 80 miles per hour. Now you can get go to hell in a handcart quicker.

Civil service occupations in Greece prevent EU, ECB and IMF delegates from meeting in public buildings. F-ing go for it!

The surprise sit-ins, which began with civil servants declaring that they had taken over six ministries at 7am, meant that Evangelos Venizelos, the finance minister, was forced to hold the talks on the 2012 budget elsewhere."The measures being pursued by the government are totally counter-productive. It is obvious to everyone that they have failed … all they have achieved is the impoverishment of Greeks," said a member of Adedy's [Greek equivalent of the PCS] executive board. "These occupations are symbolic but what is not is our determination to overturn policies that have driven us into deadlock. In the last two years 300,000 small and medium-sized businesses have closed and by December we estimate there will be one and a half million unemployed. That's one person per family."

Baharain doctors jailed for upholding the hippocratic oath (especially that bit about "I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures required...").

Twenty Bahraini medics who treated activists wounded during anti-government protests were jailed for between five and 15 years in sentences that were immediately denounced by medical bodies and human rights groups around the world.

The sentences were handed down by a military court set up to handle the trials, which stemmed from an Arab spring-inspired uprising in the country in February and March. It was crushed with the help of armies from Saudi Arabia and the Gulf states. Thirteen of the doctors and nurses received sentences of 15 years in prison, while another seven received terms of five to 10 years.

Elsewhere, Local government minister Eric Pickles has made a stunning breakthrough; people don't like rolling in their own filth (it's not, generally speaking, good for their physical and mental wellbeing), and it costs money to have it taken away.

And finally, The Onion, the original fake-news outlet, set up another fake news story (with more than a hint of dark irony). Some people forgot this fact and took it seriously.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

But I feel fine. A satellite the size of a bus is due to fall to Earth somewhere between now and Saturday night, somewhere between Britain and Siberia. Are you worried?

"Most of the Earth's surface is covered by water or is uninhabited, so nobody tends to even see this kind of debris when it does land," Hugh Lewis, a space debris expert at Southampton University, told the Guardian.

"Those pieces that do survive re-entry have slowed down a lot, but they are still travelling quite fast. Because of their size, they would do significant damage if they hit a structure or a person, but the chances of that happening are remote," he added.

According to a certain news channel I saw this morning at work, if you do find a pice of the satellite please return it to NASA, as you should respect their propetah! And finally, if you're still picturing a tumbling man-made asteroid, don't worry this really isn't the end of the world... or is it?

Wherever the spacecraft lands, it will give the relevant authorities valuable experience ahead of a potentially more dangerous event in early November, when the German Rosat satellite re-enters at 28,000kph. The German space agency, DLR, said up to 30 pieces of the spacecraft might survive re-entry, with a combined mass of more than one-and-a-half tonnes.

Dun-dun-duh!

What's the bloody matter with everyone?

More impressionistic twaddle about the subject of class and fascism, from someone who should know MUCH better. There is something deeply wrong in our society when almost no one can seem to talk about class in a remotely objective way. The EDL reckon they're working class, lots of liberals think they are too. David Cameron reckons he's middle-class. Copyright law is socialist. The police reclaim the streets. White people have gone black. Privatisation is reform. Cats are dogs, up is down and that big pile of shit over there is actually ice cream - take a bite, no, I insist, luv your government.

But seriously folks, fascism is a middle class movement. The illusion that is is a working class movement comes in part from liberal fear/fantasies about the violent potency of the underclass; if anything the typical EDL member is not a rippling Ubermensch but a spotty lad. Fascism is middle class because (1) it dovetails philosophically and psychologically with the deranged small-property owner and (2) the practical committment it requires suits the middle class. Think about typical EDL activity today...

Which honest to goodness prole has the time, let alone the money, to hop on a bus or train most weekends to attempt mass-ultra violence in town centres? Committing to street fascism in the long run is committing to a criminal record. Who can just afford to do that? The EDL is in part built out of football firms. These firms have money.

This should all be obvious, but it seems not.

The enduring evil at the heart of our civilisation...

X Factor is still here.

Teenage singer Frankie Cocozza set the tone for the show – and possibly the entire format – when he was asked by presenter Dermot O'Leary why he had turned up to the first London audition.



"I don't know ... I just want to be famous," said the 18-year-old from Brighton.

Quite. Note the Graun has filed this report under 'Culture'. Ugh!



Big Brother (also filed under Culture) is also still here.



The Tories, everybody hates them (except the Lib Dems, who hate themselves), but they're still around and lovin' it. Check out the quote:

One of the greatest inequalities in our society is the way so many resources go to the elderly, rather than the young...

Those old folks, bastard codgers trying to enjoy their retirement. It's almost as if they think a lifetime of work entitles them to it. It bet it was pensioners who caused the recession.



Will Smith is coming back... hide!



News International: it would be easier just to start from the assumption that everybody is guilty, we just have to work out if anyone's innocent.



Four years for organising a riot that never happened. C'mon, who's going to be stupid enough to go to a riot advertised on a public forum?



And finally, it's almost not news, as you could cut and paste this from any time in the last few years... unemployment is up, despite the government's best efforts to, um, drive it up.

Ah, the antinomies of apocalypse

These people are mindless thugs, they are highly organised mindless thugs!



There's no excuse for violence, the police must respond with the utmost severity!



These riots show the need to restore law and order on the streets; now is not the time for political pointscoring!



The rioters are all dangerous brown people; I am not a racist!



I have every confidence in the police's ability to handle these disturbances, which is why I am chairing an emergency civil defence meeting!

The internet told me to do it

During the Cold War every political event, even the most ephemeral, was granted some deeper, sinister meaning; it was all down to the International Communist Conspiracy. These neo-liberal days the powers that be try to render all events, even grand ones such as revolutions, as meaningless. What sparked the London riots? Not arrogant, corrupt policing. Not general political atrophy. Not low wages and unemployment, a lack of opportunity and a declining future. No.



It was social media, the mysterious cyber-Loki fanning enigmatic conflagrations from here to Cairo. Get ready for the 2012 bill banning the internet.